Well That's Not Very Nice

I received an email from the wonderfully optimistic beings over at Compare People, a wonderful application in Facebook that examines yourself with your like-minded friends who also become sucked into its vortex. Through this insightful program you get to answer such insightful questions like...

Which friend smells nicer?
Which friend is better at science?
Which friend is the better dancer?
Which friend has the worst toenail fungus?
Which friend is most likely to is play a dead corpse on an episode of CSI: New York?

So I opened this email, fulling expecting some news about what a great guy I am and how everyone is finally realizing my untapped potential. I mean, seriously, who else can reword any song to make it about sex or using the bathroom (but not sex AND using the bathroom because that's just - well, wrong). Who else has a hand that transforms into a tickle monster and sending my little girl into a convulsion of laughter? And how about my ability to speed through commercials and nail the exact moment the show comes back on? I'm so good it's uncanny.

So what do I read?

#2 happiest (lost 1 place) - Is this supposed to make me feel good? I am no longer the happiest person among my Facebook friends? How am I supposed to be my happy-go-lucky self when someone thinks someone could possibly be happier? Ungrateful !#$%&* bastards.

#3 person with the best sense of humor (lost 1 place) - You would think that I would find the irony of this a little humorous. You would think someone as secure in my manhood would let this little thing wash over me. You would think wrong. I am not amused.

#4 best friend (lost 1 place) - For a guy that has all of about four friends, this is like being the kid picked last in kickball. Or losing a friend in grade school because you wouldn't share your peanut butter and jelly sandwich at lunch. I do love peanut butter and jelly.

#4 most confident (lost 1 place) - Well after losing all of these places, you can realize why my confidence is shattered. After months of psychotherapy to repair the damage of being #3, I get this wonderful bombshell. Thank you so much for the freaking ego-boost Facebook!

#5 most adventurous (lost 2 places) - Well you can be damn sure I'm not climbing any rock faces now, thank you. I'll just take my laptop, hide in the closet and live the life of a hermit - with internet. Gotta have my internet.

Now that this wonderful email has successfully made me feel totally inadequate, I have made one solitary move that will forever change the way I view myself.

I set up any emails from Compare People to automatically delete. How's that for adventurous?