We Interrupt The Scheduled Post For...

Un-Resolutions 2009.

I come before you today to declare that I was successful in every single one of my Un-Resolutions for 2008. That's right - all 20 of them - 100% success rate.

I am feeling completely proud of my 2008 un-accomplishments and I have decided to once again go out on a limb and make my new list of things that I will not do this year. No longer will I be restrained by the "norm" of declaring changes in my life that I will not be able to keep for one month- never mind 12.

No, I like not doing things. I am good at it. I have a track record now that I must maintain.

So once again, I give you my Un-Resolutions for 2009.

I will resolve NOT...

1. To eat the yellow snow no matter how many people says it's just lemon flavored. I don't like lemons either.
   
   
2. To try and pronounce any first name with an apostrophe in it. They will hereby be referred to as "@#$%!".
   
   
3. To bite my tongue the next time someone says "Whatever!" to me and proceed to beat them down with a barrage of "Talk to the hand...!" phrases.
   
   
4. To post a YouTube video of me singing Barry Manilow's Weekend in New England. I am still debating about the Copa Cabana in my PJ's video though.
   
   
5. To drive that @$^&$ 1987 Corvette of my fathers again. (Story to come.)
   
   
6. To greet new people by asking their screen name and guild on World of Warcraft.
   
   
7. To rely on my Magic 8-ball to make executive decisions at work. My Ouija Board works much better.
   
   
8. To ever come anywhere near eating Frogs Legs or Pigs Feet. Pork Rinds however, are another story.
   
   
9. To harm any felines for the sake of finding the next great energy resource - they leave that all over the yard already.
   
   
10. To name any future children Pilot, Fifi, Kal-El, or Moon Unit. I pity these children.
    
    
11. To wear my Bluetooth headset anywhere but in the car.
    
    
12. To not have nightmares about the inhuman leathery skin of Bob Barker ever again.
    
    
13. To say the phrase, "Going Green" - except if it involves Miss Piggy's wedding to Kermit the Frog.
    
    
14. To drink Windex. No matter how much I feel like streaking.
    
    
15. To tell my daughter that Elmo is actually Grover's illegitimate son.
    
    
16. To jam a meat thermometer in my ear to see if I am done cooking.
    
    
17. To dress as the policeman from the Village People for Halloween. The other 364 days are fair game.
    
    
18. To get my hopes up whenever the next Cleveland team makes the playoffs.
    
    
19. To sell our sex tapes on EBay, no matter how bad the economy gets.
    
    
20. To ever stop appreciating my wonderful readers here. Thank you and may 2009 bring a whole year of harmless misfortune for me to write about and you to enjoy!