The Poo List

First off, let me warn you - I am a guy. It's something I've had since childbirth and I am not ashamed of it.

Most will say I am a "typical" guy. My wife will say I am the "immature" guy. But make no mistake, I am a guy. And having that distinction of being a guy, I tend to find most bathroom humor hilarious.

This post is one of those posts - you don't want to laugh, but I think you will.

You are hereby warned.

This following is about poo. Not Winnie, that adorable bear that everyone loves, but rather what we all do in the privacy of our own homes. I won't claim that I wrote these, but I did clean them up a tad bit to make them PG-13. Hey, I am a family guy after all.

The Poo List
THE GHOST
The kind where you feel it come out, see it on the toilet paper, but there's none in the bowl.

THE CLEAN
The kind where you feel it come out, see it in the bowl, but there's none on the toilet paper.

THE WET
You wipe your butt fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you don't ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.

THE SECOND WAVE
This happens when you've finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realize you have to go some more.

THE BRAIN HEMORRAHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE
Also known as "Pop a Vein in your Forehead".
You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.

THE CORN
No explanation necessary.

THE LINCOLN LOG
The kind that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.

THE NOTORIUS DRINKER
The kind you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of the toilet bowl after you flush.

THE "GEE, I REALLY WISH I COULD POO"
The kind where you want to poo, but even after straining your guts out, all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting.

THE WET CHEEKS
Also known as the "Power Dump". That's the kind that comes out of your butt so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.

THE LIQUID
That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and, at the same time, chronically burns your tender poop-chute.

THE MEXICAN FOOD
A class all its own.

THE CROWD PLEASER
This is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing.

THE MOOD ENHANCER
This occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby allowing you to be your old self again.

THE RITUAL
This occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper.

THE GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS
So noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations.

THE AFTERSHOCK
This has an odor so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity within the next 7 hours is affected.

THE "HONEYMOON'S OVER"
This is any dump created in the presence of another person.

THE GROANER
One so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.

THE FLOATER
Characterized by its floatability, this has been known to resurface after many flushings.

THE RANGER
One which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to push it away with a small piece of toilet paper.

THE PHANTOM
This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to putting it there.

THE PEEK-A-BOO
Now you see it, now you don't. This one is playing games with you. Requires patience and muscle control.

THE BOMBSHELL
One that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either inappropriate (ie. during lovemaking or a root canal) or you are nowhere near shitting facilities.

THE SNAKE CHARMER
A long skinny rope which has managed to coil itself into a frightening position - usually harmless.

THE OLYMPIAN
This occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the Drinker's.

THE BACK-TO-NATURE
This may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car.

THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN
An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from God when you actually CAN'T go.

PREMEDITATED
Laxative induced. Doesn't count.

SHITZOPHERENIA
Fear of pooping - can be fatal!

ENERGIZER vs DURACELL
Also known as a "Still Going".

THE POWER DUMP
The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down when you're done.

THE LIQUID PLUMBER
This kind is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log.)

THE SPINAL TAP
The kind that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got to be coming out sideways.

THE "I THINK I'M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY BUTTHOLE"
Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap. The shape and size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterwards.

THE PORRIDGE
The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You have two choices: (a) flush and keep going, or (b) risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless.

THE "I'M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER"
When the bag of Doritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your rectum on the way out in the morning.

THE "I THINK I'M TURNING INTO A BUNNY"
When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.

THE "WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE?"
Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump.
Of course you don't warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odor. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gaggin and gasping for air.

THE "I JUST KNOW THERE'S A TURD STILL DANGLING THERE"
Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop off because if you wipe now, it's going to smear all over the place.

The "TURBO-CHARGER"
You're sitting there, minding your business, so to speak, thinking everything is normal, and suddenly there is a totally unexpected, yet full and robust passing of wind, then returning back to normal. This typically results in a completely soaked behind.