I Thought I Was On Vacation Part 1

On Wednesday I began what I thought would be a nice, relaxing eight day vacation full of sleep, blogging, sleep, porch relaxing, sleep, baseball watching, sleep and maybe dozing off while relaxing on my porch watching baseball...oh yeah, and more sleep.

So you can probably figure out how my vacation has went so far.

Wednesday and Thursday:
I actually did pretty much nothing. The wife had me venture outside a few times, but my constant complaining about how hot and muggy it was pretty much annoyed the hell out of her. Sometimes I wonder why she wants another child when she has me. I'm the biggest baby around.

Friday:
After much deliberation which consisted of the banning of sex, no more cooked meals and a stoppage in cleaned laundry (my wife is a crude negotiator), I was convinced to actually DO something today. So while the wonderful wife went right to work weeding and raking the trees in our yard, I looked around for something for me to do. I noticed our burnpile from when my friend Will (more on him below) and I actually tore the last outbuilding down - still needed to be burned. So, being that fire is something man has done since the guys from Geiko were dancing with dinosaurs, I figured this could be my job for the day.

10:30am - The wife is in full work mode, filling trashcans with weeds from our huge tree in the front yard.

10:35am - I am still trying to figure out how to get this damn barbecue lighter to work - curse you childproofing!

10:42am - A small rip develops in the crotch of my jeans. Originally the rip would go unnoticed, but as the day goes on, the rip would take on a life of its own.

11:15am - Having completed the weeding, the wife begins the task of shoveling out the old mulch.

11:18am - I have smoke but no flame from the burnpile and make the decision that the humidity is the blame. Reinforcements must be gathered.

11:25am - With some help from my friend 5w-30, I now have a fire as the cardbord boxes and old rug fragments have finally caught. I stand victorious over my accomplishment.

NOON - The wife is now raking the area around the huge tree in the front yard, and even I admit it looks damn good.

12:30pm - I am still standing victorious over my fire. Such accomplishments must me relished.

1:00pm - Finished with the tree, the wife has taken the task of pulling weeds from around the house - by hand.

(We own a weedwacker, however the in-laws had taken it to their home in Wheeling they are trying sell.)

2:30pm - Satisfied with my flammable handywork - and not to be outdone by the wife - I decide to take the hoe and practice my combination softball/golf swing on some extremely tall weeds that had grown in our rock garden. I call it a rock garden because nothing (aside from the aforementioned weeds) has grown there and it is full of huge boulders.

2:55pm - I returned the now disfigured hoe to the garage. There were alot more rocks than I thought in the rock garden.

3:20pm - With the wife having filled up a wheelbarrel full of weeds and having no place the put them, I quickly come to the rescue - THE FIRE!

3:40pm - As I pile the weeds on the fire, the combination hiss and smoke tells me the fire is not pleased.

4:15pm - Having convinced the fire that weeds need burned too, the flame returns. I admire its beauty. It responds by blowing smoke in my face. How sweet.

5:00pm - BREAK TIME! Macaroni & cheese with TiVo'd episodes of Scrubs makes for good living.

6:00pm - Did I mention we had 5 episodes of Scrubs to watch?

7:00pm - With the humidity having sapped our strength, and the ever growing rip in my pants now from crotch-to-foot, it was decided that the mowing (mowing?!?) could wait until tomorrow. The wife was obviously satisfied with her weeding, raking, shoveling, hoeing and cleaning. I was overjoyed with my...fire.

More tomorrow in "I Thought I Was On Vacation Part 2".